Start Where I Am Now

Starting new things can be challenging. Starting this public writing has been more challenging than I thought it would be. Sharing this video is more challenging than sharing my writing. 

None of these challenges come anywhere close to the challenge of making the decision to transform myself, to start a new way of life, to forge a new way of living, to dare to hope. 

Still, speaking and writing about my personal shadows around weight and weight loss challenge me — even though I see my story as one of hope, optimism, and possibilities. Several thoughts help me.

When I started preparing to make changes, I included the self-directive: Start where I am now. I continually use this line to focus on the present, to avoid traps of inaction that dwell on the past or future. Start where I am helps me now.

So does knowing that food addiction is more common than I first thought. Many people fight battles with addictive foods, no matter what their weights. The strength of food addiction is not directly proportional to size.

Genetics shape our weights differently — how we store weight, how our bodies handle processed foods, what our set-points are for how much food we eat regularly. Change around individual genetics is difficult but possible.

I knew I needed to change. But, bridging the gap between knowing and doing eluded me for years. Understanding that my obesity was not my fault liberated me. Yet, my actions alone impact my weight. Balancing grace and accountability plays an ongoing role in fighting this battle.

My journey started with truthfully naming my shadows. First, I only named these shadows privately. They were hard to name, even those shadows that were starkly visible in my mirror. Eventually, I started speaking with others. First shakily, then confidently. I lost nothing and gained much by speaking.

Today marks a new step in sharing. The linked video clip was filmed several months ago, and I have wavered around posting it. This clip shows my shaky, uncertain rawness of entering new space, of speaking personal truths, of sharing vulnerability. These feelings are why I decided to share.

Three years ago, I was in a similar vulnerable, uncertain, and shaky space when I started the process of making deep shifts in how I lived. Making personal change required hope, belief in myself, belief in possibilities. Yet, the magnitiude of the changes daunted and overwhelmed me. Heavy shadows lurked behind shaky optimism and hope.

Starting. Failing. Starting again. These acts of courage and hope deserve respect, dignity, and recognition of powerful belief in oneself. Like many others, I have started and failed many times. I fail often and have to talk myself back into action. 

Courage exists in the actions to transform shadows. Start where I am now takes control of the moment to help me rise above my traps of inaction. Past shortcomings fade, and starting tomorrow loses potency. Start where I am now helps me to do the following:

• Name and face personal shadows

• Know and act in my own best interest

• Balance grace and accountability

• Start, fail, and start again

Start Where I Am Now. This thought helps bring me out of the shadows. It may do the same for you.