Life in the Shadows:

Weighing the Weight of Weight

I have wandered in the wilderness of weight for most of my life, plagued by shadows of obesity, food addiction, and binge eating. This life was scripted by genetics, fueled by processed foods, and acted on by me.

For most of my life, the heaviness of weight weighed heavily on my body and mind. I liked myself, but hated how I felt. And, I definitely hated that I could not figure out how to fix this problem. 

FACING THE HEAVY SHADOWS OF My WEIGHT

In 2020, I made the decision to face these heavy shadows. I was going to do the work necessary to transform my health, which included losing weight.

I armed myself with a commitment to succeed and a desire to battle whatever challenges I encountered, determined to move from the 97% failure rate for sustaining long-term weight loss into the 3% who succeed.

A lifelong educator, I approached myself as teacher and student, mentor and mentee. Reflecting honestly, I built success and failure plans around the best and worst in myself. January 1, 2020, was my start date. 

I chose the word transform to define my year. “Start tomorrow” became “Start where I am now.”

Battling My Shadow Selves

I battled myself to lose pound after pound. Most of the enemies I encountered were familiar ones: addictive foods, binging backslides, emotional triggers, holidays, and lack of preparation. When my shadows became destructive, I modified my success and failure plans. 

Soon, an unexpected enemy ambushed me: anorexia. I struggled to understand anorexia in new ways and with seeing it in myself — especially since I was not emaciated.

While at a healthy weight, I eventually learned how I was living in a constant trigger state. For months, I was suspended precariously above a chasm where two shadow selves fought to beguile me into their lairs. 

There was the shadowed ghost of my past: a morbidly obese woman who promised hunger in the toxic form of food addiction and binge eating. And, there was the shadowed ghost of my future: an emaciated woman whose siren song promised false control of hunger in a rigid and dangerous world. Getting out of this trap required identifying a third shadow hiding in plain sight – the exercise purge.

The exercise purge is the dangerous liaison who enables overeating and instigates under-eating, the socially acceptable femme fatale who connects opposing forces in me — the seductress who disguises a false remedy for binge eating through triggering anorexia’s restrictions, which inevitably rebounds back into binge eating.

EATING THE SHADOWS INTO THE BACKGROUND

Slowly, I started to understand my shadow selves as connected patterns of disordered eating that existed in direct relationship with each other.

To find wellness, I had to understand the power of these genetic forces, and I make daily choices to keep these shadow selves at bay. When I eat and what I eat matters. 

My most important lifeline remains constant: eat a high volume of nutrient-dense plants, and avoid all processed foods that are part of the standard American diet.

Beans and greens serve as the unequivocal frontline in my success. Predictably, a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, both raw and cooked, join this offensive. 

Wet starches work as friendly forces. Steadfast allies like oats and buckwheat provide energy and satiate hunger.

Potatoes and rice masquerade as double agents — triggers that wreak havoc in my daily life but the friendliest of forces for traveling, holidays, or special events. 

Nuts and seeds strategically appear on both my success and failure plans.

LIVING WITH THE SHADOWS

Finding my way out of the shadows took more effort, learning, and resources than I ever imagined. The peace has been well worth the journey. The greatest peace is a relief from personal torment that comes from knowing what was best for me but being unable to act in my own best interest. Life on this ledge of safety liberates me.

The edge exists in the ledge, and transforming my shadows means living with my shadow selves.

My genetics still challenge me. I traverse back and forth between the ledge of safety and the razor’s edge, a place where I am threatened by food addiction and my omnipresent shadow selves – binge eating, exercise purging, and anorexic restricting.

These shadow selves occasionally resurface and I fight old battles anew – especially when I eat out of balance. In this way, the razor’s edge always lives in the ledge of safety. Some days, this defeats me. Most days, this empowers me. Accept it I must to be healthy.

The way I feel makes these battles worth the efforts. I now live healthily at half my weight and have the knowledge to continue this way of life. The journey to get here has been complex and empowering.

When I eat a plant-based diet, I feel great all day, every day. I am energetic, alive, and fully present in my life. I feel the best I have ever felt mentally, physically, and spiritually. If this way of living could be packaged in a pill, everyone would take it.

There are no magic answers, but the answer feels like magic. And, I always have a clear action plan that will take me back to this place.

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Bring your healthier self out of the shadows.