Keeping My Footing in the Seas of Change

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

I am in the midst of change right now. A lot of it.

Since I last blogged, I retired from one career, traveled several places, and am on the edge of starting a new career. All of this is good.

Changes, even good ones, can be unsettling and upset the balance in my routines, in my life. These changes turned my foundation into a slippery slope – more than I expected.

To keep my footing, I have had to catch my balance several times in the past weeks. Catching my balance always means failure in some way.

I enjoy the beach much more at half my size. I feel younger, better, and more energetic than I ever have in my life, even though my age now gets me some senior discounts.

And, I have failed. More than I planned, and more than I would like to admit. Failure works that way.

But, failures are a natural part of the self-improvement process, the ongoing process of being me, of facing myself, of understanding the shadows that shape my life.

There was a time in my life where failure would have led me to throw in the proverbial towel, to give up on making changes, to wait until the time was right, a time that could and would be procrastinated.

I know there is truth in finding the right timing. But, I also know my shadows well enough to know this: I need to recover from failure in a timely way.

Each day that goes by after a failure decreases my likelihood of long-term success and increases my likelihood of continued failure.

Learning how to situate my health in the midst of life’s changes has been an ongoing work-in-progress. Recovering from failure is like exercising my muscles. I have gotten stronger through repetition.

Falling prey to the shadows of myself has taught me as much about success as it has failure. Failure is a great teacher, when I choose to listen and avoid the traps of inaction.

Knowing my on-ramps to move back into success from failure is liberating and empowering, even if it is challenging in the moment.

Failures are always moments to learn, moments to embrace and to reframe, opportunities to transform what did not work into future successes.

Failures while traveling: I learn by doing.

Travel and healthy eating have never gone together well for me. There is a reason that I have never tried to start a new way of eating on a trip. 

My recent travels directly challenged me to face and fight my shadows in unexpected ways. I made decisions that threatened my long-term success if I continued on that path.

The decision started with one meal, one seemingly innocuous decision. But, that meal led to another meal … and another.

For three days, I kept my vegan lifestyle but knowingly consumed my most potent food triggers: processed foods, salt, oil, and sugar.

Eating these addictive foods always opens Pandora’s Box. I know this. And, I still did it.

I immediately wanted more of these addictive foods. And, I had more. With each passing meal, my indiscretions added up, then multiplied.

As I gave into the addictive powers of food, my whole body and physical being changed. That is the bad news.

But, this is not a bad news post – even though failure plays a starring role. Failure can be all-consuming like that, even when it is not.

The good news is that I did not like what happened. Not. At. All.

Three days. That is all it took to bring me face-to-face with the same feeling that launched my health, wellness, and weight loss journey four years ago.

I got fed up with being fed up, literally and figuratively.

And, I wanted out of this trap. This is the trap around addictive food that Dr. Doug Lisle and Dr. Alan Goldhamer call The Pleasure Trap.

I experienced far more trap and far less pleasure in this experience than I would have expected. Sure, I felt some fleeting pleasures in those three days.

I liked ordering foods in restaurants without giving expansive directions to make sure my meals did not contain processed foods, salt, oil, and sugar.

And, of course, I really liked eating the addictive foods themselves. Addiction always takes center stage with failure.

However, my overall experience of eating addictive foods was one of compounding misery — both physical and emotional.

The following list captures these negative feelings, written in present tense because they do not change over time.

11 years younger and infinitely older than my current age in spirit. I did not hate myself and I did not hate my life. But, I hated how I felt and that I could not figure out how to live at a healthy weight. At this time, I lacked an understanding of my hunger drive. This version of myself would not have believed how deeply even small amounts of foods could negatively impact all aspects of my life, including my health, wellness, and weight.

• I hate the feeling of a dysregulated hunger drive.

• I hate the agitation that processed foods, salt, oil, and sugar cause in me. 

• I hate the sluggishness that I feel after eating processed foods, salt, oil, and sugar.

• I hate how eating the wrong foods drains my energy. 

• I hate the swelling and bloating that come from eating the wrong foods for my health.

• I hate not being able to get my rings on and off my fingers comfortably.

• I hate the aches and pains that emerge in my joints and that slow down my body and mind.

• I hate sleeping fitfully and with discomfort.

• I hate not feeling great and not being at my best.

• I hate the prospect of not being able to do things.

• I hate the heavy weight of the psychological toll that comes with not acting in my own best interests.

Knowing how deeply food impacts the quality of my life made me want to regain all the positives that were quickly slipping out from under my footing, leaving me off balance and out of balance.

The following list encapsulates these positive feelings, also written in present tense because they have not changed over time.

11 years older in this picture and infinitely younger than my age in spirit. The ease of movement and feeling great almost all of the time are among the many joys of life that I experience now.

Understanding my hunger drive has been a multi-year process that was well-worth the time and effort. When I made the decision to get healthy, I never would have believed that health and wellness could feel so wonderful.

• I love the feeling of a more regulated hunger drive.

• I love the feeling of calmness that permeates my life when I avoid all processed foods, salt, oil, and sugar.

• I love the energy that I feel after eating healthy, unprocessed, plain plants.

• I love how plants rejuvenate and revitalize me.

• I love the feeling of the absence of swelling and bloating.

• I love the feeling of easy, painless movement and the joy that comes with that movement.

• I love the sharpness of my mind.

• I love the seemingly boundless energy I have during the day and the ability to sleep deeply and calmly.

• I love feeling great almost all of the time.

• I love being able to do things.

• I love the psychological freedom that comes with acting in my own best interests.

Understanding Changes Everything.

Understanding my hunger drive changes everything. Understanding the cause-effect relationship that food has on my body and my mind changes everything.

My action plan was clear last week, and my action plan is always the same. Remove the addictive foods. Replace them with unprocessed plants.

I knew that if I could get rid of the addictive trigger foods while on vacation, I could muddle my way through the rest of the food challenges until I got home. And, that is what I did.

No more salt, oil, sugar. No more processed foods, except for the minimally processed foods that do not work as triggers for me. Uncomfortable and effective.

I missed my kitchen, routines, and habits that make my long-term success possible. The longer I was away from these, the harder it got.

I had to dig in to sustain the changes because addictive, processed foods with salt, oil, and sugar are everywhere. But, I had what I needed to face my shadows.

I may have lost a few battles, but I definitely won the war. I am home now for a few days, and that feels good.

I travel again soon as part of starting my new job. Initially, I was worried about this trip coming so closely on the heels of the other trip, amidst so much change.

But, I came home with firmer footing, standing stronger, and more committed to what I want in my life and what I do not want in my life. I am less worried now.

The knowledge and commitment that I gained from my failures are already helping me as I successfully navigate the seas of change to move forward.

I have a plan, which may or may not go according to plan. But, I know that I can muddle my way through, fighting the worst of myself with the best of myself.

The shadows within me remain constant. Transforming these shadows successfully means learning from failures to keep my footing against the currents. Failure may be unwelcome, but it can be important for learning and growing.

I look forward to the unknown changes that lie ahead. I want to keep the best and healthiest version of myself out of the shadows for the next part of my journey.