Halloween: Haunted by the Shadows of Myself
Potent memories of food addiction lie under the excitement, costumes, and decorations of Halloween. The pull of addictive foods is a shadow that lies in nearly every memory I have of Halloween: as child, parent, and adult.
I Was Not Broken, and I Am Not Fixed.
This message is important for me to remember today, a day when my former size feels palpable and when addictive foods beckon me with their wicked wiles.
Halloween has haunted me as far back as I can remember. Halloween highlights all my shadows of struggling with food addiction. And, there are many shadows in my story.
The spectors of my shadow selves still exert some measure of control over me. The shadows that sear me most: being a parent when my kids were growing up.
Eating candy before Halloween. Eating candy on Halloween. Eating my kids’ leftover candy.
Check out Eat When Hungry, my Signature Series with Dr. Doug Lisle. The first two episodes are posted on my Transform Shadows YouTube channel.
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Controlled by candy. Succumbing to this control. Hating this control. Being unable to contain this control, let alone rise above it.
An astute reader recently pointed out that my triggers were savory in nature, and there is truth to that in the here and now.
Full confession: sweets have also had their moment in the spotlight of my struggles, and never so much as on Halloween.
I have eaten exceptionally clean yesterday and today because clean eating helps me override the addictive power of supernormal food (This is especially important given the volume of candy in our house, which I wish were not the case, but this is the compromise I make.)
Today, it is hard not to think about the Halloweens of years past – my kids’ excitement front and center. These are great memories when the candy is removed from them – if that is even possible.
Naming my shadows means that my memories of Halloweens past are conjoined with addictive foods. Candy consumed me as much as I consumed candy.
Candy always controlled me on Halloween. And, I consistently resigned myself to its control. The futility of any other decision overwhelmed me, and inaction ruled my life.
After Halloween, I went through the motions of planning my next “start tomorrow” – a perfunctory effort that was always punctuated with hollowness: the holiday season, after all, was starting soon.
And, this may be the hardest thing lurking in the shadows of Halloween: that it marked the two most difficult months of my year, the time where my shadows consumed me and I lost all hope of rising anew.
Why I Can Speak
I speak these things now because I understand myself differently and because I know what I need to do to keep my shadows at bay: eat plants and avoid processed foods.
The problem is not me. The problem has never been me. The problem is the supernormal foods that trigger food addiction and disordered eating patterns — in some of us more than others.
Understanding my hunger drive and how hunger works in me have changed me in powerful ways. What I thought was hunger has also changed.
The more I learn, the more I see that these addictive foods are the undoing of many of us — no matter what our weights.
My hunger drive works when I avoid these supernormal foods and replace them with whole plants — in a balance that keeps my shadows relegated to the background of my life — most days.
Today, I may look like I am transcending my shadows because I have not eaten this candy today. Nor will I. But, some shadows go beyond the physical.
Make no mistake about it: the fight against my shadows is as real as the trick-or-treaters knocking on my door tonight.
I was not broken, and I am not fixed. And, this self-knowledge is a form of power.
