She Showed up at the Gym

This is the video clip that I posted about doing squats at my first visit to the gym after losing 100 pounds (and with considerably more weight to lose). As I say in the post below, I felt raw and vulnerable in that moment.

Working through that discomfort is challenging. On the other side of that discomfort, I have found my better self and a much better way of living. Make no mistake about it: I have to fight to keep this better self, and I have periods of failures and backslides.

As always, my approach is to arc toward more successes than failures. Adopting that mindset has been one of the healthiest steps I have taken. Success and failure are two sides of the same coin, two integrated parts of finding success.

Face Shadows to Transform Shadows

Change truly is a process, not a destination. I have lost more than half my weight. I choose not to use a number because I am focused on my overall health rather than a number on the scale. Suffice to say, I have lost a considerable amount of weight.

Maintaining a healthy weight for me means balancing lots of extremes in my hunger drive, and I am starting to tell that story.

So far, I have spoken more fully about the binge eating side. But, I also have the genetic propensity toward anorexia, which I will be sharing more about in the coming year.

Going to the gym after losing 100 pounds was an important step for me – especially since I still had significant weight left to lose.

Things were just opening up after Covid, and everything felt vulnerable. I felt raw and vulnerable.

Taking yet another first step was hard, perhaps harder because going to the gym is such a public action. I have never been athletic, and I had certainly never worked with a trainer.

That first day, I entered JP Fitness with apprehension and a deep conviction that I wanted to find a better way of living and to discover a better healthier self. To do that, I needed to make changes in my physical fitness.

Start Where I Am Now

"Start Where I Am Now" was my mantra for my first workout, and it is the mantra that I still live by today because my health and wellness journey is not a "once and done" journey.

I did those squats, and they burned from the inside out, physically and emotionally. I wore a brave facade that day because I knew why I was there, I had named that golden circle within me. I wanted a better life for myself, and I knew I needed to add strength training and cardio.

Since strength training was never something I had learned how to do in phy-ed classes years ago, I had much to learn. Working with a trainer helped me learn. Working with a trainer helps me learn. I am still learning.

My exercise routine includes a lot of stretching and body weight work, including planks. I have been able to do more than I ever imagined possible — at any age.

The fact that I am able to do this in my mid-fifties continues to amaze me, especially since I feel younger than I ever have now that I am eating a plant-based diet without salt, oil, sugar, and other trigger foods.

The fact is that the standard American diet made me feel old, even when I was very young.

Embrace Discomfort for a Richer Life

I have to give a shout out to Chris, who has worked with me now for almost three years. I initially was self-conscious to work with a trainer because I was older and out-of-shape compared to most in the gym.

I sometimes hear others speak the same concerns that I had, and if you are one of those people, I would encourage you to take the brave and bold step to move forward anyway.

Personally, I would have missed out on a rich part of my life if I had let those fears stop me. My trainer Chris is young enough to be my son, yet we have found much common ground as we have gotten to know each other.

Chris continues to help me and push me to try new things, to do different things, to meet the changing needs of my body and mind, especially as I have entered this public arena of sharing my story.

And, learn I have. I can do things I never thought possible. I never saw myself squatting, bench pressing, and dead lifting. Yet, I cannot imagine my life without any of them now.

Strength training has been an important part of my health, wellness, and weight loss journey. I feel better when I am lifting weights and getting my heart rate up regularly.

Change Is a Process

My self-talk about Start Where You Are Now includes my food as well as my exercise. I have found this idea to be helpful in focusing me on the moment — without thinking too much about the past or the future.

I am not naturally coordinated. I always overthink my form and question whether I can even do the exercises. Developing my form takes me longer than most people. But, I have learned that I can learn and that I feel great when I do – naturally coordinated or not.

In that week after that first visit, my muscles screamed incessantly, reminding me of what I could barely do. Shutting down would have been easier than going back a second time. But, I had shut down for too many years.

Recently, I lapsed and my muscles screamed at me again for pushing them beyond what was comfortable. This time, I was better equipped to handle restarting. I will remember to take it easier on a restart in the future.

Knowing the process helps. Knowing what time can do to my body and mind helps.  Knowing I want that better life for myself helps keep me focused.

Living a Better Life: Step-by-Step

And, that is why I keep going back, why I will walk back in the doors of JP Fitness over and over again. And, that is why I will continue to meet with Chris when I need it most.

Lapses happen. That is the reality of life and my journey.  And that is when I need to keep going back most, when it's hardest, even when I have to restart. Those are the times when my shadows threaten to overtake my life again.

To fight those shadows, I use the same self-talk is that is the message I have in my video clip:

You will never regret centering health and wellness -- even if you have to start with what is most uncomfortable. There is a better way out, step-by-step.

And, this is how I fight my shadows to transform my shadows. Small steps. One by one. Step-by-step out of the discomfort into a better version of myself. And that feels good.

In my social media, my exercise frequently shows up as Shadow Boxing, which is a way that I fight my shadows. Shadow Boxing takes place on two major fronts for me: food and exercise.

My shadows include the patterns of my past that have led to failure; the shadows that lie deep within me in my genetics and my biology; the shadows that lie all around in a society filled with supernormal foods that work destructively on my health and wellness; and the shadows which have sent me to live at more than twice my weight.

My Transform Shadows framework helps me continue to be successful by naming the ongoing mental work of this self-improvement journey to act in my own best interests.

The steps in my Transform Shadows framework are not necessarily sequential although there is a sequence to them. My ongoing success requires me to continue this process over and over again, a process where I Name, Face, Understand, Fight, Reframe, and Transcend My Shadows.

While I wish I lived perpetually in a state of transcendence, the best I have been able to do is bob in and out of that wonderful state of existence. The travel that is part of my life right now makes transcendence challenging. But, I am working keep my progress, step-by-step.