Satiation: Discovering a New Sensuality
Satiation. I love this word and have only recently started to understand its meaning around my hunger drive.
Satiation is the pinnacle of what it means to fulfill the hunger drive, to eat when hungry. Satiation is the linchpin of my long-term success.
Discovering satiation was a confusing, complex process. I had lost half my weight and had maintained that weight loss for more than a year.
Yet, I was flailing and careening all over a razor blade even though the numbers on the scale held steady.
I was desperately trying not to fall into the abysses where one of my shadow selves ruled — either through the excesses of food addiction and binge eating, or the deprivations of anorexic restriction.
I had no idea how to maintain my success.
Meet My Hunger Drive: A Fact of My Life, Not a Self-Made Stigma
Since I first shared my story a few weeks ago, I have received a lot of comments about the stigma around food addiction and disordered eating patterns.
This stigma runs deep, and I am learning how people of all sizes, shapes, and genetics feel that stigma in different ways.
Even though I have lost half my weight, I spent most of my life experiencing this stigma silently in an isolated state of obesity or morbid obesity.
I never envisioned breaking my silence to speak about my food addiction – especially as publicly as I am doing now. But, life is full of surprises, and here I am.
I am speaking out because my self-understanding has profoundly shifted.
Re-Solve the Conundrum of Myself: A Re-Solution for the New Year
New Year’s resolutions. Start. Restart. Focus. Refocus. Set. Reset. Boot. Reboot. Charge. Recharge. Commit. Recommit. New. Renew. Renewal. Detox. Cleanse. Challenge. Promise.
These words comprise the language of the new year around health, wellness, weight loss, and self-improvement. These words energize and inspire me.
I love the idea of a fresh start, a new beginning, a way to change what causes me to act against my own self interests.
This is hopeful stuff — making myself better, being the person I want to be, improving myself without hating myself.
My hope is magnified this year because I have the privilege of hearing hopeful possibilities that others have for themselves through Transform Shadows.
Let’s Get to the Good Stuff
With New Year’s coming this weekend, the collective commitment to self-improvement provides a great moment to talk about the power of plants.
Moving to a whole, unprocessed plant-based diet is the most important action that I have taken for all aspects of my health, including weight loss and maintenance.
Most information around health and weight loss encourages eating plants in some way, so knowing the benefits of plants certainly was not news to me.
Still, I am stunned by the depth of what I have learned from delving into nutritional science. And, I am even more stunned by the differences in how I feel – once I got through the withdrawal from addictive foods.
Eating plants has transformed all aspects of my life.
Transforming the Shadows of Failed New Year’s Resolutions
When I started planning my weight loss, all-or-nothing thinking emerged as one of the biggest reasons around my history of failed New Year’s resolutions.
For me, a New Year’s resolution was always worded in an all-or-nothing mindset and behavior. Over the years, my resolutions usually included variations of the following themes.
I will lose weight.
I will eat healthy foods.
I will avoid unhealthy foods.
I will exercise.
But, my resolutions never took failure into account.
Take One Small, Short Step at a Time
I have been thinking about the purpose of Transform Shadows and where to go with it now that I have this endeavor up and running.
When I first made my story and website public, I had decided on two seemingly contradictory timelines to guide myself through breaking my silence.
These timelines show my ongoing learning around making changes in small, short steps.
I can shut this down at any time.
Even though I no longer see my weight as a character flaw, I worried about how social stigmas around weight, obesity, and disordered eating patterns would impact me.
Giving myself a way out helps me push publish – every single time I share something.
So far, so good. My world has not collapsed. And, there are people who have shared that my words and story are resonating with them.
Thank you to those who have liked or commented publicly or privately on any of the ideas. Your support takes me to my second timeline.
I will try this for a year.
Swallowed by Holiday Foods
Holidays are times of food vulnerability for people who struggle with weight, foods, food addiction, health, and wellness.
There are a lot of people white knuckling the next couple weeks. I am one of them, even though my foods look much different than they used to.
The holiday season has always exposed the biggest gap between who I want to be and who I am around food.
Who I want to be is someone who is a moderate, someone who indulges some but not too much, someone whose willpower is as natural as her smile.
Who I have to be is someone who eats whole, unprocessed plants without salt, oil, and sugar. I am indulging more than I should, but I will recover quickly.
But, that has not always been the case.
Shadow Boxing: Fighting Myself for Myself
Last weekend, I had a failure around food. Failures around food always expose my shadow selves. This time, it was a trigger food for overeating.
But, this post is more about failure than food. Failures happen, and I have gotten used to them. I have also gotten used to getting out of them, which I did.
But, sharing these failures in a public way is new ground for me, and I haven’t known how to talk about my failures in meaningful ways.
My failures around food feel epic and so do the struggles to turn them around. But, the solutions themselves are unremarkably boring.
Talking about the solutions may be more boring than the solutions. I ate clean unprocessed plants. I worked out. I shopped for groceries. I prepared food for the next day.
Transforming my shadows occurs in the boring routines of daily life. But, there is tremendous value in talking about these mundane details to learn and grow.
Still, I had been asking myself: How will I talk about my failures in ways that go beyond summarizing meaningless details?
The answer materialized out of nowhere.
SHADOW BOXING
My First Public Interview
Yesterday, I had the privilege of talking to co-anchors Lisa Cownie and Kelsey Barchenger at our local news station KEYC. I learned much watching these wonderful women in action as they handle all aspects of their content. I love the title they gave the segment: Lyon’s share: Bringing health & wellness to the internet. Check it out!
Treat Myself like a Food Addict Every Day
I love my smile in this video clip. More specifically, I love the fact that I can say “I treat myself as a food addict every day” with a matter-of-fact, pleasant smile on face.
Being a food addict is who I am and how I live my life. I can deny that truth, but I live with food addiction at this weight, at twice my size, or at any other weight.
My addiction will be in the center of my life one way or another. I will be in control of my addiction, or my addiction will control me.
There is no middle ground for me. I wish there was. But, goodness and hope in my life have emerged from knowing this about myself, and I feel incredible — better than ever.
To name myself as a food addict conveys a newfound self-acceptance around my lifelong shadows of weight. This self-acceptance started with silently speaking and believing that reality.
At first, the admission was harder than it needed to be. I gave too much importance to addiction as a personal shortcoming of willpower and mind and not enough to my genetic realities.
Most importantly, I did not understand my hunger drive. I would lose half my weight before I felt my hunger drive. It took even longer to understand.
Admit hard Truths
“I will start tomorrow” has been a complex idea in my life. At its best, the idea of starting tomorrow held optimism and hope; at its worst, the idea worked as a self-delusion, enabling moments in time to swallow me whole.
Most often, starting tomorrow worked as a self-defeating form of failure, a feeling of brokenness around my weight, a reminder of what I could not get right in this aspect of my life.
Untangling the maze of meanings of “starting tomorrow” provides a complex mental challenge. The truth is that I started on so many tomorrows that the phrase was almost rendered meaningless.
Often, I felt the emptiness of starting tomorrow even as I committed to it. Many of my tomorrows ended almost as soon as they started. The pattern was predictable, whether it lasted one day, one week, one month.
My resolve started strong. Soon, fatigue around tempting foods overpowered my resolve. I careened off course, defeated and overwhelmed by what I could not get right.
I stared at the same problem over and over again. I tried the same solutions and always got the same results. Starting tomorrow happened so many times in my life that I nearly gave up hope. But never entirely.
To succeed, there has to be a starting point – there has to be a tomorrow where that day becomes the day. Past successes provided tantalizing glimpses of what could be, optimistic peaks at a healthier future. Hope.
Begin with the End in Mind
Three years ago, Thanksgiving weekend marks the time when I started thinking about making transformative change in deep, substantive ways.
I enjoyed the family holiday gatherings, but I felt terrible from the food. Food and leftovers tormented me for days before and after the holiday. This happened every year.
I was fed up – literally and figuratively. And, being fed up went far beyond the food.
All the lifestyle diseases that stem from obesity were becoming inevitable realities in my life. I felt heavy, achy, tired, and older than my years. This was not how I wanted to live.
To live, I needed new solutions to the lifelong struggles that plagued me around weight, health, and wellness. I had to face my shadows in new ways if I wanted to transform them.
The food turbulence of that holiday season made getting successful traction less likely for myself. I gave myself a few weeks to reflect, plan, and learn before starting.
I knew I had to begin with the end in mind. I started asking myself: Why do I want to change? How do I want to live? What do I want to do?
Start Where I Am Now
Starting new things can be challenging. Starting this public writing has been more challenging than I thought it would be. Sharing this video is more challenging than sharing my writing.
None of these challenges come anywhere close to the challenge of making the decision to transform myself, to start a new way of life, to forge a new way of living, to dare to hope.
Still, speaking and writing about my personal shadows around weight and weight loss challenge me — even though I see my story as one of hope, optimism, and possibilities. Several thoughts help me.
When I started preparing to make changes, I included the self-directive: Start where I am now. I continually use this line to focus on the present, to avoid traps of inaction that dwell on the past or future. Start where I am helps me now.
So does knowing that food addiction is more common than I first thought. Many people fight battles with addictive foods, no matter what their weights. The strength of food addiction is not directly proportional to size.
Genetics shape our weights differently — how we store weight, how our bodies handle processed foods, what our set-points are for how much food we eat regularly. Change around individual genetics is difficult but possible.